A Canadian at McKinley
by USMCcAnthem
Summary: In which a stereotypical Canadian transfers to McKinley and basically confuses the heck out of everyone. AU for Audition (2x1). Warnings: Crackish, Adult Language and horrible Canadian jokes/stereotypes. OC-Insert! One-shot! Complete!
**Disclaimer:** I do not own glee or even most of the jokes in this fic. Just acknowledge that this is just pure stupidity with no reason for existing except for a laugh.

* * *

 _Prompt: A Canadian moves to Lima, Ohio and basically fucks with everyones minds._

* * *

 **1\. Kurt**

"Hey, what's up?" A teenaged girl with a red coffee mug in her hand with the words 'Tim Hortons' on it greeted the group of jocks and him huddled around the dumpster. She had her brown hair hidden under a blue and green beanie, wearing a plaid button down over a Nickleback band t-shirt (which is just bad taste) and a pair of distressed jeans (that weren't purposely distressed). Kurt had never seen a female with such horrible fashion sense before (and he was in Glee with Rachel Berry) and cringed at the thought of wearing plaid again. His butch week still gave him nightmares, and the thought that a girl would wear such things on purpose frightened him. "Did you guys lose something in there or what?"

"None of your business lesbo!" Karofsky scoffed at her.

The girl raised an eyebrow, "Um, yeah, no. Not that there's anything wrong with being a lesbian, but I'm straight."

"Only dyke's wear shit like that," Azimo said derisively and the girl looked down at her outfit questioningly.

"It's the toque, eh?" She asked bluntly. "Ryan told me that I should leave the Canucks toque at his place because you guys would react weird, but I only abandon the Canucks when they're doing shit in the league."

What in all that is Gucci is a toque? Kurt stared wide eyed at the alien species in front of him and wondered if his low-fat yoghurt had gone bad without his notice. This was obviously some hallucination. This type of stuff does not happen in real life.

When no one answered, the girl shrugged and nodded to them all before continuing on into the school, singing about not talking about strangers. Kurt glanced at the stupefied jocks that seemed frozen in disbelieve and booked it out of there before they could gather their wits. The countertenor could only hope that none of the other gleeks met that crazy girl and thought to invite her to the Glee Club (and she _could_ sing, dammit). As much as they needed more members, they didn't need more crazy.

* * *

 **2\. Mr. Schuester**

"Sorry," a girl dressed in a plaid shirt said as she nearly bumped into the door. Will looked at her confused from his position at the secretaries desk. He'd been trying for the past ten minutes to get Sally to let him in to talk to Mr. Figgins about the Glee Club budget to no avail. "Hello, um, I was supposed to talk to the Principal this morning about my transfer?"

Sally looked down at her papers, deliberately ignoring Will by now, before asking, "Name?"

"Ash Williams," Ash said with a smile, taking a sip of whatever was in her mug. She sighed happily and took the pile of papers that Sally handed her. "What do I do with these?"

Sally scowled. "They're your schedule, locker number and combination, along with a list of clubs and teams to chose from."

Ash blinked and looked from him to Sally. "Is choosing a club mandatory because that's kind of insane, eh?"

"Every student has to be a part of a club or sports team," Will spoke up. "They fill the study hall part of your schedule."

"Study hall? But I'm only in grade 10." Ash looked completely confused for second before shrugging. "Whatever, I guess I'll pick one later." She folded the papers in her hands and then looked back up at Sally. "Now, I was supposed to see the principal and that still hasn't happened yet."

Sally frowned at her straight forward manner, "Yes, I'm aware, but the principal is busy right now."

"Oh, sorry." Ash didn't sound very apologetic. "I thought that the point of booking an appointment with him was to, ya know, make sure he's actually available. Sorry for taking up your time." That said, Ash turned around and began to sing, very loudly as though to annoy the older woman, " _When I get older, I will be stronger, they'll call me Freedom, just like a Wavin' Flag."_

Will's eyes widened and he froze for a moment before chasing after the quick teen. "Wait, Williams!"

The young teen turned and looked at him questioningly, "Sorry, did you need anything?"

Will huffed and straightened up, "Yes, you see I'm the teacher sponsor for the Glee Club and we need more people to join. Since you seem to like singing, I was wondering if you were willing to join the club."

"Eh? Really?" She blinked in surprise. "Don't I have to try out for stuff like that? The choir at my old school had them, actually all the clubs had them, even the art club." She trailed off and looked to be thinking about something, Will cut in before she would start talking again.

"Yes, you'd have to audition," he said decisively. "You could do so after school, we have a meeting and you could preform something then."

Ash bit her lip in thought before she nodded, "Eh, sure, why not? Nothing better to do with my time, what with having no friends, job or true social life." She said all that with a straight face and Will had to refrain from cringing.

"Er, alright," he coughed awkwardly, "See you after school."

"Okay, see you later Glee teacher dude," she nodded to him before continuing on with her speed walking.

Will scratched the back of his head as he stood in the middle of the hallway for a moment before shaking his head. Ash Williams was a bit odd, but he was sure she'd fit in with the rest of the glee kids. Now he just had to get Sally to let him talk to Figgins.

* * *

 **3\. Brittany**

This weird girl sat next to her in class, smelling of coffee and maple syrup and Brittany is like 85% sure she's never seen her before. "Are you like new or something?"

The girl turned to her and raised an eyebrow before nodding, "Yeah, I'm Ash. I just moved here from Canada."

"Oh, so you used to live in an igloo?" Brittany asked excitedly.

"Oh yeah, totally," Ash nodded blithely. "We had to dog sleigh to school all the time, it was so annoying whenever a bunny would appear because they'd go crazy and we'd be super late for school."

Brittany nodded seriously, "Bunnies are very dangerous."

"All except for bunnyhugs," Ash smiled at her. "But the flying bears are way more dangerous, lots of people die each year from flying bears."

"Bears fly in Canada?" She asked excitedly, nearly squealing at the thought. "I thought only birds could fly? Lord Tubbington lied to me." She pouted a bit at that before explaining to the confused Canadian beside her that Lord Tubbington was her cat. Ash made a sound of understanding, and Brittany smiled at the smart girl before a thought came to her. "Wait, if bears fly in Canada, do moose do as well?"

Unfortunately for her, Ash shook her head, "No, sorry. Moose can only run for Prime Minister, be ridden and terrorize people who think cars will actually work in Canada. Currently a Moose is trying to gain popularity for the next elections, but Stephen Harper is still going strong."

"Wow," Brittany said in wonder and before she could ask more questions, the teacher called for their attention.

Ash smiled at her apologetically and turned to give her attention to the teacher. Brittany didn't follow her lead, instead her mind wandered to the amazingness of Canada. It was like a place for unicorns, rainbows and dolphins… except cold. Was like Canada even real? Brittany turned scrutinizing eyes on the girl beside her. She seemed real, but she smelled too much like maple syrup to be true. Brittany's eyes widened as a thought came to her, maybe she was made from maple syrup! Brittany quickly scribbled down the question on a spare piece of paper and slid it onto Ash's desk.

Ash looked at her questioningly, but read the paper. She blinked before smiling and wrote down the answer, handing the paper back to her. Brittany read it quickly and smiled in triumph at getting the answer right. When the class was over, she left the paper on her desk and continued on with her day, linking pinkies with Santana when she saw her.

The paper on her desk had this written on it:

 _"How are Canadiens born?" - B_

 _"We fill people sized molds with maple syrup and call upon the almighty moose god to bring life upon their soulless forms." - A_

* * *

 **4\. Artie**

Artie flinched when someone bumped into his chair, and worried for a second that the jocks had decided to slushie him early (because they usually waited until after lunch and it was only third period).

"Oh hey man, sorry 'bout that," a female voice said above him and he looked up to see a casually dress girl in a weird looking green and blue beanie. "I've been bumping into everything today," she said casually.

"No, it's alright," he waved off the apology, inwardly surprised that anyone would give him one that wasn't in Glee. "I'm Artie Abrams, by the way."

"Ash Williams," she said with a smile. "I guess you gathered that I was new then?"

Artie nodded and they walked (or in his case, rolled) in the same direction in awkward silence for a bit before Artie broke it. "So, what class do you have next?"

"Honour Math 10," she said with a sheepish smile. "Math is kind of awesome, ya know?"

"Yes, math is amazing," Artie laughed and nodded, lifting his fist up, to which she bumped hers against. They spend the rest of the walk and the majority of math class talking about polynomials and different algebraic equations before Artie asks her where she transferred from.

"Vancouver, B.C," she told him, and while he was usually pretty good at geography, he had no idea where that was. "It's in Canada, ya know the place where they held the winter olympics last year?"

Artie made a sound of understanding, even if he wasn't quite sure about the olympic mention (he didn't watch them, so he wouldn't know), he did know about Canada. "Explains the shirt."

"Excuse me?"

"The Nickleback shirt," Artie expanded, "No one but a Canadian would ever wear a Nickleback shirt."

Ash raised her eyebrows at him, "Sure, let's go with that."

"Does your beanie have a meaning, or is it just ridiculous on purpose?" He asked curiously, missing the look of annoyance that spread across Ash's face before she blanked it.

"It's my Canucks toque," she said monotonously. "The Canucks are the local hockey team in my hometown."

"Oh, hockey."

"What's wrong with hockey?" Ash asked.

"Nothing, nothing," Artie brushed off easily. "The hockey team here is full of brutes who just like to smash into each other without getting into trouble. I don't really see the appeal in the sport or why there's such a huge fan base."

"While to each their own, hockey is extremely important," Ash started before proceeding to give him a blistering rant on hockey, it's importance in society and why he should appreciate it's greatness. Artie - and the rest of the class - just stared at her with wide eyes as the teacher lectured on without even noticing that none of the class was paying attention (or not caring, it was hard to tell with Mr. Johnson). "…And that is why you should like hockey," she finished with a winning smile as the bell rang. She gathered up her stuff as the class gawked at her unattractively before nodding to Artie, "It was nice to talk to you, see you later!" With that she sung a jaunty tune about Hockey.

"Bye," he said weakly. Artie, along with the rest of the class, went about packing their stuff away only after she had left the class. As cool as it was to have a math buddy, Artie was kind of hoping to not have anymore classes with her, if only for his sanity. He had to deal with girls like Santana and Rachel on a daily basis, there was no need to add another to that list.

* * *

 **5\. Sam**

Sam was kind of freaking out about how weird this school was. While he had never been popular before, he was pretty sure that it wasn't as cut throat as it was here. The popular kids threw slushies at the geeks, kids were bullied in plain sight with no retribution from teachers… heck one teacher even bullied the students! Sam had decided to take a moment to himself to separate himself from the madness for a moment and ducked into an empty classroom during his free period, only to see that it wasn't quite so empty.

"Oh sorry, did you need this room?" The girl he had walked in on asked, she smiled at him kindly and Sam felt a blush on his cheeks. The girl was pretty, if a bit plainly dressed.

"No, no, it's okay, you don't need to leave," Sam stuttered. "Sorry for barging in."

"Awe, you can stay here if you want," she offered, "I wanted to get away from the crazy out there for a moment, and it looks like you want to as well. I'm Ash Williams, by the way."

Sam shook her outstretched hand and smiled widely, "Yeah that was the plan, I'm Sam Evans. Are you new as well?"

"Yeah, I'm from B- sorry, I'm from Canada," she quirked an odd little smile as she corrected herself. "Where'd you transfer from?"

"Tennessee."

"Ah" she nodded seriously before sheepishly admitting, "The only thing I know about Tennessee is from the Hannah Montana movie."

Sam burst out laughing at the blunt honesty before replying, "And the only thing I know about Canada is Eugene Levy, Jim Carrey, Rachel McAdams and Ryan Reynolds."

Ash giggled before asking, "American Pie, Ace Ventura, Mean Girls and… Blade?"

"Dumb and Dumber, actually," Sam admitted, renewing Ash's giggles. Sam smirked before asking, "And what does it say that you knew about those movies?"

"That I appreciate the talents of Canadian actors," she said officiously before smirking, "And that I'm a teenage idiot like everyone else out there," she pointed to the closed door and Sam nodded in agreement. "So besides liking those true pieces of art, what's your favourite movie?"

"Avatar," Sam answered before gushing, "It's definitely my favourite. I think I've seen it at least a hundred times since it came out and I own all the different versions of it. I also taught myself how to speak Na'vi."

"Really? That's kind of really awesome," Ash admitted. "I don't invest that much into my favourite movie - which is Zombieland, at least for right now - but that is inspiring."

Sam blushed again and Ash cooed at him, which just made his blush worse. "It's not that cool, or at least the people at my old school didn't think so."

"Awe, sweetheart, I'm not the people at your old school. I'm Canadian, and to some people, I'm just not real." Sam chuckled and nodded, glad to have made a friend - odd though she may be - that didn't care about his nerdy habits. Thankfully before he could start to embarrass himself, she changed the subject, "So what clubs are you planning on joining?"

"I was thinking of the football team, and I was asked to try out for Glee as well."

"Oh, you too? And here I thought I was special," she said with a teasing smile. "Glee sounds like fun, if only because the name is joyful."

Sam nodded in agreement, "Yeah, I met some of the guys from the club and their all pretty cool. Though the one guy seems pretty obsessed with what other people think of him."

"There's one of those everywhere," Ash joked. "Are you going to go to the tryouts? I've heard a lot of bad press about the club, but I'm going to join anyway, if I pass the auditions of course."

"Hey, how about we audition together?" Sam asked. He'd been pretty hesitant before, but it was nice to know someone who didn't mind his nerdy tendencies _and_ (heaven forbid) his love of singing. Really, this girl was too good to be true. She's like his platonic soulmate, and it's - to borrow the phrase - kind of awesome.

"That sounds perfect! We could do something like…" She rattled off a couple of songs before Sam smiled and agreed. It would be a good audition.

* * *

 **6\. The Glee Club**

Sam and Ash laughed gaily as they walked into the classroom the glee club was in, ignoring the fearful looks tossed at her, and the pitying ones given to Sam. Ash recognized most of the people in the room, having interacted with them at one point or another. They were pretty weird people, but to each their own; she's pretty weird herself.

"Hey Sam, Ash," Artie greeted them, waving to the two seats next him. The ditzy blonde she'd met in first period smiled happily from her perch on his lap and greeted them as 'possible dolphin' and 'maple baby'.

"Hey Brittany, nice to see you again Artie," Ash said cheerfully, "I didn't know you guys were in Glee Club."

Artie chuckled nervously, but nodded. "Yeah, I guess I don't look the type." Ash laughed in agreement and turned to the front when Mr. Schuester entered the room. The teacher smiled happily at each of them, nearly beaming at her, Sam and the filipino girl next to the Berry girl.

"Alright guys, great job on recruiting new members," Mr Schuester said, "Now I know you all prepared a song for the summer assignment, but I think I'd be better to let the new recruits try-out first." The Berry girl looked ready to protest, but the guy behind her kicked her chair to shut her up. She did so with a huff and Mr. Schuester looked relieved. "So which one of you guys wants to go first?"

Sam and Ash shared a look before nodding. Ash stood up and said to Mr. Schuester, "Well, um, Sam and I decided to do a duet together, if that was okay with you?"

"Oh, ah, okay," Mr. Schuester stuttered in surprise. He waved them over to the front and Sam and her smiled shyly.

"Ready?" Ash asked.

" _Alaksi,"_ Sam nodded decisively. He grabbed an acoustic guitar from the side of the room and started to tune it.

"Alright," Ash turned to the club while he did that, "So Sam and I met up during fifth period and got to talking. We realized that both of us are kind of big nerds when it comes to video games." There were some chuckles, scoffs and sympathetic nods from the club. "Anyway, so we decided to do a song from one of our favourite games, _Portal_. So here's _Still Alive._ "

Sam started to strum the beginning chords before singing, ( _Sam Singing,_ **Ash Singing,** ** _Both_** )

 _This was a triumph!_

 _I'm making a note here:_

 _Huge success!_

 _It's hard to overstate_

 _my satisfaction._

 **Aperture Science:**

 **We do what we must**

 **because we can.**

 _For the good of all of us._

 _Except the ones who are dead_.

 ** _But there's no sense crying_**

 ** _over every mistake._**

 ** _You just keep on trying_**

 ** _'til you run out of cake._**

 ** _And the science gets done._**

 ** _And you make a neat gun_**

 ** _for the people who are_**

 ** _still alive._** "

 _I'm not even angry..._

 **I'm being so sincere right now.**

 _Even though you broke my heart,_

 _and killed me._

 **And tore me to pieces.**

 _And threw every piece into a fire._

 **As they burned it hurt because**

 **I was so happy for you!**

 ** _Now, these points of data_**

 ** _make a beautiful line._**

 ** _And we're out of beta._**

 ** _We're releasing on time!_**

 ** _So I'm GLaD I got burned!_**

 ** _Think of all the things we learned!_**

 ** _for the people who are_**

 ** _still alive._**

 **Go ahead and leave me...**

 **I think I'd prefer to stay inside...**

 _Maybe you'll find someone else_

 _to help you._

 **Maybe Black Mesa?**

 **That was a joke.** _Ha Ha._ **Fat Chance!**

 _Anyway this cake is great!_

 _It's so delicious and moist!_

 ** _Look at me: still talking_**

 ** _when there's science to do!_**

 ** _When I look out there,_**

 ** _it makes me glad I'm not you._**

 ** _I've experiments to run._**

 ** _There is research to be done._**

 ** _On the people who are_**

 ** _still alive._**

 **And believe me I am**

 **still alive.**

 _I'm doing science and I'm_

 _still alive._

 **I feel fantastic and I'm**

 **still alive.**

 _While you're dying I'll be_

 _still alive._

 **And when you're dead I will be**

 **still alive**

 _Still alive_.

 ** _Still alive._**

The club clapped and a couple of the nerdy guys chuckled. Sam and Ash grinned and bowed to the group before sitting down.

"That's great, thanks you guys. So what do you think? Are they a part of the club?" Mr. Schuester asked the latter two sentences to the club and they hollered in approval. "Great!" The teacher was even more happy with the filipino girl's (who was named Sunshine) audition, much to the Berry girl's ire. Ash snickered quietly to herself as she watched Berry insincerely welcome Sunshine into the group, all the while throwing glares at her and Sam. She wasn't a huge fan of drama (hence hiding during fifth period), but it was fun to watch sometimes.

"Dude, we should have a movie marathon today," Sam said while the others milled about the room. "Football try-outs are tomorrow and I know you have Writing Club as well, so I doubt we'd be able to hang out until the weekend."

Ash nodded after a moment of thought. "Yeah, that'd be awesome, eh? We could totally binge watch American Pie series, I haven't seen it in forever." Sam snickered and agreed.

"You're going to watch American Pie with a guy?" Mercedes, who seemed to be some sort of crazy diva, asked incredulously, grabbing the attention of the others.

"Of course," Ash answered bluntly. "Why wouldn't I?"

"Are you afraid of, you know…" Sunshine asked hesitantly, but Ash shook her head in confusion.

"She's talking about Evans here popping a boner," Puck cut in while the rest of the club shuffled awkwardly.

"Oh, sorry," Ash said sheepishly. "But no, I'm not. My bud Ryan would always, as you said, 'pop a boner' whenever we watched anything sexual. It's no big deal, ya know?" Then she snickered and said, "And if Sam ever tried anything without permission, he'd have an indent of my mom's shitkickers in his backside."

"Shitkickers?" Someone asked, but Ash ignored it.

"Come on Sam, let's go watch some sexual comedies before it gets too dark," she tugged on his arm and he gamely let her pull him out of the room. "My mom's making poutine for dinner, so be prepared for some artery clogging goodness. And don't worry, I'll help you burn off the calories later."

The gleeks watched them go with mixed expressions and were silent for a moment before Santana broke it. "Canadians are fucking weird."

"Amen," the rest of the club muttered.

* * *

Songs mentioned:  
1\. Don't Talk to Strangers - Hedley  
2\. Wavin' Flag - K'naan  
3\. The Hockey Song - Stompin' Tom Connors  
4\. Still Alive - Johnathan Coulton & GlaDOS Duet (from Portal)

Weird Canadian things:  
1\. The lesbian comment: I was trolling through twitter and someone had posted, "A girl wearing plaid and a beanie, lesbian or just Canadian?" I couldn't help but use that here.  
2\. Study Hall comment: For the schools in my area, nobody was able to get a study period until grade 12, and even then you only got one (you had to write the principal for more and have a good GPA).  
3\. Bunnyhugs: basically zip-up hoodies. Don't ask me why it's called that, I don't know, I just use it.  
4\. Flying bears: this is actually serious, two people died from a flying bear and the police were like, "this doesn't happen often." Often means it happens recurrently. That's scary shit.  
5\. The maple/moose thing: that's an actual answer on tumblr to the question, "how do Canadians re-produce?"  
6\. Hockey: some people in Canada believe Hockey is something like a religion, while the rest couldn't care less (I'm a part of the latter group). My friend totally ranted at me for ten minutes when I told her I didn't like hockey, so I'm not even kidding about this.  
7\. The movie stars: Canadians are proud of other Canadians for making it big, and all of those actors are awesome.  
8\. Shitkickers: cowboy boots.

Na'vi:  
 _Alaksi_ -Ready


End file.
